On the inside looking out
This afternoon they’re going to start working on my studio floor. The last of the big construction jobs. And then, after a few layers of varnish, this hell of a year can finally begin to find closure.
The rapid developments and changes have kept me hostage inside a cocoon, constantly looking out from the inside. As if the world was rushing by and I wasn’t really in it. Everybody was busy with their own lives and I was working hard tearing down my own or waiting until I’d be able to start a new one.
With so many plans and such great tasks I had set for myself, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stick to any of it. And I had a hard time accepting that. I was going to face a new life, but was reluctant to let go of my old one. I had built up quite a bit of confidence about my work and my plans. And as my confidence grew, friendships were spun. And just when things were beginning to go int he right direction, I had to step out of my web in the middle of its unfolding and growing process.
I’ve been devastated, angry, sad and sometimes hopeful. But more than anything, I have been tired to an extent that is hard to believe I managed to stay on my feet and appear ‘normal’ to the outside world. It’s the sort of tired that doesn’t wear off with a night’s sleep. But I had to keep going. For there were two wonderful girls who needed me to be strong and help them through the big change, to help them in the process of being cut loose from friends and settling in a new environment. It’s been hard.
It has never been my desire to move and change my old life for a new. But then life shot so many arrows and opportunities our way that I felt I had little choice. And yet, when we had made that choice, fate took over and lay cards before us that all pointed in the same direction. Despite the crisis on the housing market our house sold within 8 days and instead of the 3 years we’d calculated for the move, we had moved within 6 months from the final decision. Things went fast, but looking back it was just as well. I can’t imagine how I’d have lived through 3 years of not belonging in any life, old or new.
No, I’m proud of us. For we’ve done quite well, especially considering the fact that we’ve also been building a studio. That cost us dearly in our “together”-time. And I can’t wait for the four of us to have some lazy summer days. Be it with sunshine and a plastic pool in the garden or with rain and books on the sofa. I don’t care. As long as we’re together and have time on our side. We’re not going on a holiday because we still have to unpack about 100 boxes. But we live in the most beautiful province of our country with lots of things to do just around the corner. We’re going to wind surf again…and teach our oldest…and perhaps buy a tiny sail boat for the girls…and do a lot of swimming in the sea!!! I think we’ll get through summer pretty well!
So. It’s been bumpy ride, but I feel I’m almost at the end of it. So, I’m going to take a whole lot of rest and shake off the fatigue so that I can soon really embrace my a new life here. Now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I can’t wait!